i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
