i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
