We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
