you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
