How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize