Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
