I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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