What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
