I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
