i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
