Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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