Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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