I think I won the penis lottery.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
