the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
