i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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