I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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