Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
