i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
