i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
