I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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