Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Alive.
So much puke
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
