those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
the liver wants what the liver wants
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
