Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
