if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
