Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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