Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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