he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
