My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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