who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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