I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
