we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
