I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize