i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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