You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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