Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
