OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
