The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
What a dumb baby whore.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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