yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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