My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
