I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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