There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
