i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
