i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
