he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
