dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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