I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize