if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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