belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
