you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
