xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Terrible idea I love it
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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