I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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