Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
