I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
