I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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