Ambien. No doubt about it.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My bed smells like the plague
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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