it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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