i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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