Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
