I can text with my tongue
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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