i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize