Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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