my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
