I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize