apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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