my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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