but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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