the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
