I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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