he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize