Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
